What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 07:28
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
How many wishes do people get on their birthday?
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
I don,t even have a pension.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She loved him until the end.
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All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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She married twice! .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ive learnt so much.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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She was in good health!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I have no regrets .
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
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So whats the point in blame.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Put me off passion for life!!
This is soul school!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She wouldn,t have been !
We were not on the streets..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot live in the past .
I think the readers, may guess!
She found it foreign!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I said to her
But, we were locked up after school.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
So, i spoilt her more .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I will be 64.
I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I waited trembling.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He resisted the act ,that day.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Who then, do I blame.?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But ive been too sick for many years..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Comes on , in middle age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He knew the spot.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Would this be the day?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was seconnd youngest,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.